rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.