[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star