Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*sewing*
A thread
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Mhm.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.