my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I want to meet the individual who made this
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me, too, girl. me, too.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.