I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.