Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.