The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Basically.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Boom, boom, ching!
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream