Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
#ParentingFacts
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
That’s incredible! 👌
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.