Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Autocarrot sucks!
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.