PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.