I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
classic mixup
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.