Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there