Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You Might Also Like
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.