imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Golf would be better with landmines.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Spa day..😅
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.