An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The best plant holders?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My dog learned how to text
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper