I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
True freaking story!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses