ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
sigh