NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Going into Monday like
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?