Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay