Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!