Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.