Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Is this a threat?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.