Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Ugh but profoundly
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.