My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Only a mother’s love …
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.