I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]