*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be