My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.