A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.