My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I hope Alan is OK
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!