“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
You Might Also Like
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?