[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.