Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.