baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[montage of me giving-up]
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.