Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me