How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.