[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face