I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids