okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”