Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Human are so complicated
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.