Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.