Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.