I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Sign at work today
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other