Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
How I’d get arrested…
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
lmao
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.