Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
That’s classic.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.