Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
🙀🙀🙀😹
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”