I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
beware of dog
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night