Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
You Might Also Like
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace