Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying