I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
You Might Also Like
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.