“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Pot warmers of the day.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*